I’ve been so busy lately, I don’t even have time for myself. I used to be able to spend hours just gazing into blank space day dreaming about endless future possibilities or just introspecting to clear my mind. Now, I’d be lucky just to have time to do tutorials(not that I get a lot, thank goodness for Arts). Most of my blog posts come from those used-to-be frequent reflections and I think its obvious that I’m not blogging as much as I used to, so this is the reason.
I guess I have a lot of time on my way to school, in between classes and on my way home, but my eyes are barely open at 6.30am in the morning, and its not like I’m in the mood for day dreaming when I’m constantly being shoved by others and made to ”move in!” by the stream of commuters coming in and going out. And while I have loads of free time in between certain classes, my mind is occupied by school, what I’m going to have for lunch and what I need to do for the next tutorials. Plus, its too noisy and I don’t exactly get to be alone. When Im coming home from school, I’m too tired to even think about anything, to even look at anything. Bus rides home from school are the only times I can get a seat on the upper deck of Bus 31, where I can sleep sleep sleep till I reach home. Strangely enough, I have never missed a stop, I always wake up a few stops before I reach home. I guess its my subconcious.
I’ve also realized that there seem to be a never ending amoung of commitments I have, from project meetings to interviews to random events. Things seem to especially busy these two weeks. I’ve had to change time slots with people, re arrange meetings and all while constantly reminding myself of all the thing I have to attend. It’s especially hard since I don’t have an organizer(of any sort), not that I’d make good use of one if I had one anyway. I can’t seem to devote bits of my time each day to dutifully fill in the to-do lists and homework lists and usually it only lasts me a term. After that, I don’t use it. Plus, I don’t like relying on something else. I like to have everything with me in my mind, not having to refer to SOMETHING whenever I want to double check on details. It’s so troublesome.
Just in this coming week alone, I have a project meeting in school, a re-scheduled piano lesson, 2 interviews(LES and Giessen Exchange), 1 extra preparation lesson for LES interview, CGSS Speech Day and I still need to re schedule yet ANOTHER piano lesson. This is all in addition to my normal schedule and school which is already draining enough. I have never been this busy before. My normal school days already end relatively later than all the other students’ from other JCs(or so I surveyed). I just hope I don’t fall sick or anything.
I guess in a way this is good because its making me more independent. I spend so much of my time away from home that I don’t depend so much on it anymore. I don’t even depend on my classmates or friends because my subject combination in school is rather weird and no one really takes the same subjects as me. All my best friends aren’t from the same school as I am, one is on the other side of the world. I think I probably, slowly, fell into the habit of trying to depend solely on myself though I don’t think I’ve really succeeded yet.
I’m not so sure if its a problem with adapting to JC because I don’t seem to have as much of a problem with school as some of my other friends. I think its more of a personal matter. I guess I can still live the way I did and still do OK in school, but I’d feel somewhat lacking in substance if I didn’t try to be more independent. And I’ve found that to be more independent, I need to let go of certain aspects of the old ‘me’ and get used to a newer mindset and attitude. But once I tried, I realised that much as I want to lessen the dependence I have on other things, I’m still kind of trying my best to hold on to as many aspects of my past as I can. Maybe somehow I’m afraid that if I change too much I’ll forget who I am, who I was before, or perhaps I’m searching for a replacement to that familiarity that I had when I spent so much time at home in the past yet now is lost.
I’m quite happy with the way my life is now, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that sometimes when I remember how things were like the past, it makes me a little reluctant to move on and admit that those times are over. It’s quite true how people say “You win some, you lose some.” Yes, I did get a lot more freedom, I have better opportunities, I’m a little more independent, if you will. But for that, I’ve lost so much ‘me’ time, time spent at home, time to do my own stuff, even lost a little enthusiasm at life because most of the time now, I’m too tired to even care. All I want to do now is to make the best of it.
AND PLEASE THIS IS NOT FREAKING EMO. I’m just sick of all the random things that keep popping up at me and expecting me to entertain them like I wanted them in the first place. I don’t want to have to check like a dozen websites to find out what I need to attend, where I need to go, what I need to KNOW. I’ve got enough on my mind, I don’t need other things coming in and screwing up the state I’m in. Gone are the good old days of manual instructions.
On a lighter note, I went to Tioman Island for the past 4 days and despite the searing heat, sandy paths and salty seawater, I actually found it rather rejuvenating. Imagine, I was free from all commitments for 4 whole days! I didn’t need to keep double checking my mind to remind myself to go for whatever event/meeting/course. That itself is a luxury.
***I shall post about it in a later post.
